oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
