you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
