ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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