He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
