How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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