Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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