you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
