my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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