I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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