I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
