Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
