please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
