a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
