I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
