is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
