my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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