ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
