He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
