Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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