3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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