saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
