the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
