so explain again why im purple
no
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
