her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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