Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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