I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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