So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
