i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
