drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
