He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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