dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
