He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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