first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
