I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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