We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
