I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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