I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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