There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
