I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
