im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
