I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Im part way to drunk.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
God, I missed his penis.
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