I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think people are normalizing furries
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
