sarcasm needs its own font
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
