I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
