You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
