just come out here and I will go home with you...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
