ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I can't trust your balls anymore.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
