I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
