my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
