just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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