Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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