Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
