and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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