bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
