I just cut my nipple shaving
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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