you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
